You've been with me through thick and thin even if I didn't believe it at times. And now I'm ready to take on the future with You to guide me.
The future. Just the thought of it has goosebumps breaking out and sweat coating my palm. My brain is firing in all directions and I'm at a loss. I don't know what is waiting for me in the future. I'm eager to look but I'm scared that I might not like what I find. Which is why I'm leaving it all up to you, God.
I'm counting on you to give me the strength and patience to hold on to who I am. I know you'll be there with me as I step into a world of uncertainty.
So far, I think I've been able to do a good job dealing with obstacles and struggles. I mean, at least considering I'm still standing and so are the ones who depend on me. I've used your gifts of intelligence and wisdom to guide me to where I stand. I've fought to make a mark on the world, even if it's only a tiny blip. To make my children good people. To give my husband the support he needs. To give my parents the rest they require. To give my siblings the ability to count on me when they need me. To give my friends the faith that we'll get through hurdles together. I've fought like a war-hardened warrior.
I need to know that my prayers for my loved ones' health, work, love, and life are being heard. I've been bearing the hardships of life and it's terrible. I just pray that my loved ones don't have it this bad. I would walk through fire to protect the ones you have brought into my life because I know you had a good reason.
But to be honest, I'm so tired. Every day is a battle. A battle with others for what is right. A battle with myself to stay afloat in this sea of doubt. A battle with my inner demons to keep them from drowning me. A battle to be with others because though I like to be alone, I don't want to be lonely. I'm scared that one day, I'll just end up giving up and disappointing others and more importantly, myself. It's a vicious cycle that eats me up. And for some strange reason, my eyes don't tear up, even though I dearly wish they did.
I trust your presence by my side but sometimes I forget that you are with me. I'm only human and life makes it hard for me to hope that there is someone way high up who cares about me. It's in those times I need you to give me a sign, that you won't let me fall. That you'll be there to wipe my tears.
I know that every day, you have shown me your miracles. You have shown me that my wishes do get answered, even if they take time. You have shown me that I am worthy of forgiveness. You have shown me that I am capable of achieving anything I set my mind to. It is why I haven't given up on my dreams and hopes yet, even though I feel so lost. I haven't given up on wanting to live this stunning, colorful, magnificent life that you have blessed me with, to the fullest.
I have no idea what my future looks like, but as I write this, I know that you will show me the light at the end of the tunnel. All I need to do is trust You completely. And I do, with every molecule in me. After all, I was made in Your image. That's why now, I smile. Because my future doesn't scare me while You hold my hand and guide me through the maze that life is.