The 35-year-old mother-of-two suffered immensely as she prepared to say goodbye to the life she had nurtured within her as soon as he left her body.
A mother’s grief is as timeless as her love. – Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
Model and American television personality, Chrissy Teigen may be known for her quick comebacks to haters and for the love she shares with her musician husband, John Legend. But behind the face that always seems to be smiling is grief over losing her stillborn son, Jack, even before he entered the world. In an essay she penned on Medium, she described the harrowing experience of knowing that her baby wouldn't make it out of her womb alive and the effect that it had on her.
The mother-of-two wrote, "Here we were, just wheeled down to a new floor, me covered in a thin blanket to hide, knowing I was about to fully deliver what was supposed to be the 5th member of our beautiful family, a son, only to say goodbye moments later. At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms). I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a 'safer' zone for the fetus."
"My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption. I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles [two-year-old son] a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption," she said. "We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in."
“My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low – he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly,” a heartbroken Teigen wrote. “After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming – it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all. I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
For months after the painful moment, Teigen and Legend had to learn to move on without the baby that would have made their family even happier. But as they looked to the future, the 35-year-old model realized one thing - she was still open to having another baby whether through IVF or adoption. Speaking to People for their Beautiful People Issue 2021, as quoted by Mirror UK, "I can't imagine a life without [my children] - I just cannot. And I can't imagine a life without more, honestly, so we'll see!"
Obviously, she hasn't forgotten the child she raised in her womb. "We have this new [$17.5M six-bedroom Beverly Hills mansion] that we're building and this tree being planted inside the home, which is very relatable, yes, everyone has an indoor tree," she joked before saying, "The whole reason that I wanted it was so Jack's ashes could be in that soil and he could be with us all the time and grow through the beautiful leaves on this tree and always be apart of us. He wasn't just a moment in time. He was real and he was real to us and we loved him."
"People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart," Teigen wrote in her essay. "A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full."
Cover image source: Getty Images | Photo by Jamie McCarthy