The 22-year-old man mourns his wife and for his past self too. He wishes he was in med school instead of taking care of a baby.
Editor's note: This article was originally published on August 11, 2020. It has since been updated.
When people get married and have kids, they are looking for a lifetime of happiness. They are hoping to build a family and a home but when the beginning of their story is filled with tragedy and unhappiness, the rest of it can be quite hard to cope with.
One young father, 22, recently revealed that he "hates" his toddler son as his wife, also 22, died giving birth to him. The young couple had a hard time even before they got married at the age of 19, but after the birth of his son, the man has been especially resentful.
Their wedding was "honestly one of the happiest days in" his life and their "marriage was wonderful." "I loved her more than anything. In our second year of college, she ended up getting pregnant. As a side note, her parents and my parents are horrendous, abusive, and overbearing. We struggled to cut off contact (I went full after my wife passed away) and when she got pregnant, her parents threatened to cut off all financial support if she decided to not keep the baby," he wrote, as per Cafe Mom.
His wife didn't have the "heart" to terminate the pregnancy and she kept the baby. However, being pregnant was brutal on her and she was often nauseous and sick. The day she was giving birth, he was beside her even though he didn't want the child. "The worst happened and I went home alone with a baby," he wrote on Reddit.
He no longer has any support from family or in-laws, who he believes is the reason his wife is dead. "All my friends being poor 20somethings working minimum wage jobs. I originally planned to go to med school and that's where most of my friends are now," said the resentful dad, who later clarified that they live in a third world country.
"The first year was absolute hell. I had no idea how to raise a child. I worked two jobs and my son was bounced around with my friends, who rotated looking after him while I was working. I worked 12 am - 8 am overnight where I'd leave him with my best friend. Thankfully he was not a fussy baby and slept through most of the night. At eight o'clock, coming home from work, I'd swing by and pick him up and then spend time with him, probably end up falling asleep in chunks with him waking me up screaming, then I'd be off to work again at 3 pm - 9 pm where I worked part-time at a drugstore. I'd call up whichever friend was available and struggle to find someone to keep him. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to and I'd have to call sick for work. Typically I'd sleep through both my lunch breaks for either job," he added.
The day his son turned one was a sad one for him. He couldn't find anyone who would watch him and while his son slept next to him in his cradle, he looked at his tiny face and thought horrible thoughts.
"I hate him. I hate this stupid f*****g kid. Well, not entirely. When he snuggles next to me the few hours I have off, I get a rush of affection for him. But most of the time, I hate him," he said.
"It's about three o'clock right now where I am and I've been crying on and off since I got up this morning. This isn't his birthday, this is the day my wife died. If she had been here right now, then I wouldn't be all by myself with a one-year-old. Who I literally hate more than anything in the world," he added.
The 22-year-old mourned for his wife, the life he could have had, and for his past innocent and "bright-eyed self." When others pointed out to him that he hates the circumstances and could give his child for planned adoption, he mentioned that the foster care system where he lives is not a good one. He said that he would never give up his son because he loves him.
"My mother has been sending screaming voice messages of how dare I refuse to let her meet her child and she'll be suing me and taking me to court to take him back. When I get the time, I'll be changing my phone number... If I didn't have my friends I would be dead by now, but this rotating childcare thing won't be able to go on forever," he added.
The young dad revealed his true feelings about his son in response to other comments on the thread later. "I love this baby boy more than myself. I was in a horrible state when I wrote that, I called in for work for tomorrow too and we’re going to one of my friend’s houses to watch a movie because he has a TV. He’s so happy to spend time with me and honestly, today I realized why I do all this," he added.