"I was experiencing the worst pain anyone could ever inflict upon a person, telling them their beautiful perfect child... only had 6-12 months left to live," said the broken mom.
Editor's Note: This article was originally published on February 6, 2020, and has since been updated.
Losing a loved one is always painful but losing the child you held in your womb and nurtured can be devastating. And for Krisztina Filiszar Kinkin from North Carolina, losing her child left her broken, according to Love What Matters. When she received the news that her darling son, Logan, was suffering from an incurable disease called Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, the news hit her hard. But when she heard the doctors explain the situation, the piercing pain hit her core.
After the diagnosis, "The rest is a blur, but it was around this time a children’s oncologist walked into the room, sat me down, and told me, ‘DIPG is inoperable, extremely aggressive, there is no cure or treatment, and upon diagnosis, the prognosis is not good, only 6-12 months to live.’ This moment is one frozen in time. It is the very moment I felt my heart fall onto the floor, my soul died, I did not know how I was even still living as I was experiencing the worst pain anyone could ever inflict upon a person, telling them their beautiful perfect child, at the innocent age of 4.5yrs old, only had 6-12 months left to live."
"I died inside. Someone had ripped out my heart, threw it onto the floor, stomped all over it, then launched it a million miles away into outer space as it imploded the entire way…the destruction and pain were endless and [sic] unescapable."
Knowing that the disease had no cure, she was devastated. Like most moms, she was willing to do anything for her kids. But she could do nothing to keep her son alive. As Logan's disease progressed aggressively, she spent as much time as she could with him. She recalls the times the little boy wanted his mom to know the most important thing that she would cherish forever.
"Before DIPG stole Logan’s voice he was telling me non-stop every day like a broken record, ‘I love you, Mom, I love you so much, I love you, Mom, I love you…’ and when he was no longer able to mutter a sound, he would motion me kisses instead, putting his arm around my shoulder and softly kissing my head. By the last week of his life, he was staring off at the wall and nodding his head at nothing I could see, in agreement, saying ‘uh-huh, uh-huh.’ I would ask him what he saw, but he could not tell me, so I reassured him it was OKAY, that if he was seeing anyone they were there to help him, and he would BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT."
In the last moments before his passing, "The look upon Logan’s face was of such peace, and a smile was on his sweet beautiful face like he was somehow letting me know, ‘I’m free, I really am OKAY Mom, just like you said I would be.’ I have held tight to that trust and knowing every single day since. We [the family] spent the next 5 hours laying with Logan, hugging and kissing him, telling him how LOVED he is." And then he was gone.
But in her pain, Krisztina had no idea that while his body was gone, he was still with her. Her son had the habit of drawing hearts with his tiny fingers. And after he was gone, he made sure he sent her signs in his own sweet way, like a secret message between mother and son, torn apart and left in two different worlds. He was sending her signs through heart-shaped objects and images. "Hearts have been following me for years, everywhere I go, on vacations and even all the way in Ireland. Not just hearts but the name LOGAN itself, appearing in my path."
"These are NOT coincidence, as I know now more than ever that coincidences are divine intervention, orchestrated to get our attention. I have saved every savable heart I have received over the years in a Jar of Hearts, and have taken pictures of almost all of them, tagged as #mysonsendsmehearts on Instagram. It’s one of Logan’s most well-known and constant signs."
Those who don't believe may not understand the importance of such things, but for a grieving mom or for anyone who has lost a loved one, it could mean the world to them. "I have received over 50 vivid dream visits from Logan since his passing, where he is solid, warm and as real as you and I. Some dreams he tells me things, others we just hug, hold hands, laugh together, or spend time together saying nothing at all. Two of the most unforgettable things he has told me are ‘Heaven is just another place. I’m not gone!,’ and another where we spent the entire day together like we always used to, and I asked Logan, ‘How are you able to be with me again?!,’ and Logan replied in a very nonchalant way, ‘Jesus allows it'," she said. Elated, moments like these reassured her faith that he was always with her in spirit and she wouldn't want it any other way.
During a conversation with a medium as well, her son spoke to her about how he was with his brother, a child Krisztina had lost due to an ectopic pregnancy. "No one knew I knew that baby I lost was a boy, it was just something I knew in my heart, but I never shared. But Logan confirmed it was indeed his brother, and that I have both my boys in Heaven waiting for me!" said the emotional mom.
The mother also shared her own bits of advice. "The seemingly bad things we go through in life do not last forever, life is constantly evolving and changing in ways that promote growth. You can either choose to grow through the challenges or allow yourself to get stuck on the bad moments and deny your growth. There is great reward in keeping the Faith, not fighting our growth, and finding ways of making our souls remember what our minds forgot. For me, sharing my story, Logan’s story, and all I’ve been shown after being dragged through the mud and coming out clean is that my soul now remembers. I will forever continue to share with anyone willing to listen, Forever4Logan.”