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It Took Me a While, and It Wasn't Easy, but I Finally Walked Away from a Toxic Relationship

It Took Me a While, and It Wasn't Easy, but I Finally Walked Away from a Toxic Relationship

I was too blindly in love with you to even see what you were doing to me. And when I finally saw it, I could no longer take it.

My love for you was pure and honest. We had something special. We were perfect for each other I thought. I could never replace you for another man. I felt I had found my soul mate in you, my first love. There was nothing more beautiful in my life than our love and our relationship. You made me feel like a queen, brought me flowers and kissed me with so much passion that blew my mind and my heart. My dreams were about you and so were my thoughts. You had conquered my heart forever.  

As months passed, things changed between us.  Our fascinating fairytale began to have cracks. Love was replaced by arguments and resentments. Our problems felt small to me but I wonder how it blew up to become arguments for months. Sometimes, silence followed them. You pointed your finger at me every time something went wrong. I was to be blamed, you said. I believed you. I thought you were right and I was wrong. I tried so hard to correct my so-called wrongs. I accepted it all, took all your accusations. I was guilty of something I didn't know. I tried to understand, but you stonewalled me.

I started doubting myself. I thought I was no longer capable of making things right. I became indecisive. Your words rang in my mind, "You cannot do it." I was once a woman filled with confidence but today I don't trust myself.

It was always your choices and your decisions. I never could express my wants or needs because you never thought they are important. After much thought, I realized it was as if I were living for you and not for myself.

You sneered at me and made me feel insecure. And yet, I tried so hard to please you constantly. I said I loved you but you never bothered to return that love.

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I no longer knew who you were. I began to fear you. I wanted to tell you how I felt but I was scared. I was scared of being judged and blamed. I hid my emotions. I suppressed my feeling within me and put on a smile before you, and you never understood. Somedays, I couldn't sleep nor eat. My tears never stopped. I couldn't take the pain you were giving me.

I was broken emotionally. I was depressed. Sometimes, I cried out loud in the middle of the night, but you never heard me.

You had no solution to our problems but some days brought me flowers as if that could solve the issues we had. I wanted to explode and I did. I screamed out of frustration and told you what I felt but you had nothing to say. You didn't even bother to stand and listen. Not a hug, not a word. Nothing. Just a silent denial of everything. Negativity was my companion, peace was something I missed in life and love was not to be found.  

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I was tired. But I still listened to you and stuck around you. One day, though, I was saturated. I had no more tears and no more words. I was exhausted. I couldn't take it anymore. I decided to walk away from a man who had no regard for me. I decided to think about me, finally. Two years of my life had been drowned in depression and accusations. I finally wanted to make my choices, I wanted to find peace I had long lost long.

I finally wanted to get rid of the poison that had taken over my life.

It may take a while for me to find myself. To smile again and believe in love again. But the day I decided to walk away from this toxic relationship is the first step I took towards reclaiming my life.

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