It's not about who has more power in our relationship. It's about kindness and love, the things I hoped you'd value and respect the way I did.
Editor's note: This article was originally published on February 13, 2020. It has since been updated.
It wasn't easy hiding the pain when I began to notice that you didn't put the same effort into our relationship that I did. It was almost as if you were telling me through your actions, or the lack of them, that I wasn't good enough for you or that I wasn't worthy of your love. But despite it, I continued to give my all and tried to win you back. I have seen you look at me but never into my eyes like you used to. You hear my words but never really listen with an open heart. You find it emotional or unreasonable, having no idea just a few kind words from you will make all the difference.
In the beginning, when you were being your charming self, I thought I was seeing the real person. Little did I know that things would change later. I slowly began to doubt myself and wonder why things were not the same anymore. Was it how I spoke? Is it because I get nervous and say stupid things? Was it the way I express my emotions? I spent endless hours overthinking every last detail. Soon I blamed myself for being the kind of person who didn't deserve your love. I bent over backward to ensure that you knew you had a warm, safe, loving home in me. I was there for you when you went through your hardships. The time you broke down when you lost a friend, or the time your work was stressing you out, I didn't think twice to drop everything and be there for you. That's what people in love do. It took me another two years and many heartbreaks to know that you didn't think I needed your support, too, when things got tough for me.
I know that we are stuck in a pattern. Every time I bring a "serious" conversation, you let out a sigh. I hear the unsaid words through your expression. And it hurts. It hurts that I have to take up the sole responsibility to save this relationship. That I have to do all the thinking and find the right words so you don't feel overwhelmed and would be willing to listen. But then again, WHY should I be the only one trying so hard?
Even when we're together, I see that things are just not the same. The excitement and the joy I saw in your eyes when you used to meet me are gone. Do you know what that feels like? To live under the same roof and watch the love your beloved had for you disappear and in its place is boredom, indifference, and monotony. The absolute worst feeling is to feel lonely when you are with your loved one. And that is how I feel on most days with you. And I can almost feel the rift at a soul level, the gap that is widening every day, and the distance that may soon become so big that nothing can be done to fix it.
Even for that, I blamed myself. I thought my kindness made me boring and weak. I refused to play mind games and chose to be real and vulnerable, but you found that unchallenging and began to stop seeing me as your equal. But you know what? After so much heartbreak, I realize that my soft heart isn't something to be ashamed of. If anything, the fact that it managed to survive all the disappointments, hurt, and heartbreak show how strong I am. I am not afraid to feel what I feel. Whether that be passion or anger or pain. I guess you forgot just how passionate we both were for each other. And then before we knew it, I was the only one trying.
It is interesting how you did lean on me when you needed someone and it is my kind heart that helped you open up to your own fears and worries. Yet, when I opened up mine, you thought it wasn't cool. But those days are DONE. I now know who I am and what I deserve.
I am over my belief that you will someday see me as I am. If you have a hard time waking up to the truth in front of you, I am not going to wait around. The biggest lesson I've learned is that there is no love without respect. I deserve mutual respect, admiration, affection, and love. I deserve active listening, not a distracted nod. I deserve to feel accepted and loved without judgment or mockery. If you cannot step up to these expectations, then let's decide to go different ways. But if you would like to work this through, it has to be equal and fair, with efforts from both sides.
No more of you expecting me to give everything up for you with no reciprocation from your end. No more of you zoning out and looking disinterested as I speak about important things. No more of you saying mean things on the pretext of being funny. No more of you making decisions that will affect both of us. No more of me blaming myself for not being the kind of woman who excites you and makes you feel alive. That says more about you than me. I am my own person and I know now that I can live without you.
Be warned though, this kind heart won't be yours forever. I'm done fighting by myself for things that should be given unasked. Most of all, I'm done mistreating myself and doubting myself for your mistakes and your disinterest. Don't take my heart for granted, because I will choose to never offer it to you ever again.
Representational Cover Image Source: Getty Images | Photo by 101dalmatians